Bring Your Own Rim Shot

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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From "The Women's Dictionary"

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v., to go to the cash machine and hit "Inquire."

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Did you hear about the two thieves that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.